Wow, this month has been such an emotional rollercoaster for me. I wish this whole motherhood thing came more naturally to me. Rather, I wish I had the self confidence I need to carry my duties as the mom. I am so glad that I am blessed with prayer and scriptures. These resources have been able to help me learn a lot about my responsibilities as a mother and to strengthen me as an individual. I'm still a work in progress. But then again who isn't?
For awhile now I have been clashing with Clarissa's teacher. It is so frustrating because it puts me on this emotional teeter totter. I've done a horrible job at guiding and preparing my kids, no wonder they struggle at school behaviorally. (I can't have problems with Clarissa without being reminded of the problems Adam had.) No I'm not horrible, my kids just need more time to fall into line. It's just like any other developmental stage; children grow at their own pace. No, I'm just horrible and I better fix my mistakes fast because they're going to grow up to be diliquents. No, they're fine. It's all going to work out just fine. (You get the idea. Only for me it is neverending.)
I know God has been trying to tell me this for a long time but I think it is finally starting to sink in. (I'm such a slow learner!) I need to stop teaching my children according to how others see them. I can sit here and wish that my kids behaved a certain way or I can enjoy them for who they are and enjoy the opportunity to guide them to become responsible adults. And that's the key, adults. They are not adults yet. And so if I have to put them in time out a gazillion times for the same offense, then so be it. But as long as I'm putting them in time out every single time, they are getting the message. (And well, Todd has been trying to teach me this one too. It's just that I listen to God a little better.) When they grow up they will remember that they were never allowed to get away with it. Gosh it sure would be great if they would love to make good choices, never wanting to push the boundary. And it would be even better that they would just give up after the 100th time out and know that the consequence wasn't going to change. But that's not how my kids operate. And I have to accept that and find a way to work with it.
I was reading Isabel Allende's Eva Luna and I think I may have found the key. There is a character that had to leave his home and moved in with an aunt and uncle. While there his aunt figured out that he was willing to do anything she needed as long as he thought it was his idea and that he was helping out in some way. The problem though, I'm not that quick on my feet when it comes to finding ways to do that. It did happen once though.
Clarissa dragged out all the outside toys from the box and it was now time to clean them up before dinner. She was so furious when I told her to please go clean up the toys. Major stomping around and yelling. Through inspiration only I asked her "If it doesn't get cleaned up then who has to end up doing it?" She answered correctly that it would have to be me. So I told her that I was simply looking for some help. I didn't even have to finish the sentence. She knew where I was going and she was running down the stairs, out the door and began cleaning up. What a doll!
When I was trying to finish up some business at the school the kids had to try and sit patiently for me. This is a hard task for all three of them. It was like having three two year olds. But Molly was the only one that was wandering around where I finally could not see her anymore; learning that she went into the principle's office and took his glasses. (I was so extremely embarrassed!) Hindsight thought: I should have told Adam that I was concerned about Molly and didn't know how I was going to make sure she was safe while working. He totally would have come up with the right solution keeping both him and Molly in check. Why doesn't this come naturally to me!
Because I lack the confidence needed! But I'm working on it. And so as I ask the Lord to help me raise these kids He is teaching me how to love them for who they are. They are strong willed and will go as far as they can. And then try to go a little further. But that will translate into some pretty amazing adults. They will change their world someday. And I will help them change it for good- okay that's just plain scary! But when I've been taught by God how to help them, I cannot let anyone else tell me otherwise. He knows them better than anyone and He will tell me what I need to do. And if I don't stand up and do it then well, I'm just messing it all up. So sorry to Clarissa's teacher. I know I'm a real thorn in her side right now. But I have a bigger investment in how my kids learn and grow.
Okay, so I don't usually write this much. (It's my theory that if you can't finish reading the thought in about 5 minutes people are going to lose interest.) But it feels good to get that off my chest. And well, because I'm still concerned with how people look at me and this kind of lets me feel like you know the reason behind my madness. With the little confidence comes the feeling like everyone is judging me and thinking I'm horrible so I have to put it out there that maybe I'm not that horrible. It's all messed up I know. I'd say it helps to be married to a psychologist but it doesn't really. It just makes you more self conscious about your craziness. But that's whole new blog entry isn't it?
For awhile now I have been clashing with Clarissa's teacher. It is so frustrating because it puts me on this emotional teeter totter. I've done a horrible job at guiding and preparing my kids, no wonder they struggle at school behaviorally. (I can't have problems with Clarissa without being reminded of the problems Adam had.) No I'm not horrible, my kids just need more time to fall into line. It's just like any other developmental stage; children grow at their own pace. No, I'm just horrible and I better fix my mistakes fast because they're going to grow up to be diliquents. No, they're fine. It's all going to work out just fine. (You get the idea. Only for me it is neverending.)
I know God has been trying to tell me this for a long time but I think it is finally starting to sink in. (I'm such a slow learner!) I need to stop teaching my children according to how others see them. I can sit here and wish that my kids behaved a certain way or I can enjoy them for who they are and enjoy the opportunity to guide them to become responsible adults. And that's the key, adults. They are not adults yet. And so if I have to put them in time out a gazillion times for the same offense, then so be it. But as long as I'm putting them in time out every single time, they are getting the message. (And well, Todd has been trying to teach me this one too. It's just that I listen to God a little better.) When they grow up they will remember that they were never allowed to get away with it. Gosh it sure would be great if they would love to make good choices, never wanting to push the boundary. And it would be even better that they would just give up after the 100th time out and know that the consequence wasn't going to change. But that's not how my kids operate. And I have to accept that and find a way to work with it.
I was reading Isabel Allende's Eva Luna and I think I may have found the key. There is a character that had to leave his home and moved in with an aunt and uncle. While there his aunt figured out that he was willing to do anything she needed as long as he thought it was his idea and that he was helping out in some way. The problem though, I'm not that quick on my feet when it comes to finding ways to do that. It did happen once though.
Clarissa dragged out all the outside toys from the box and it was now time to clean them up before dinner. She was so furious when I told her to please go clean up the toys. Major stomping around and yelling. Through inspiration only I asked her "If it doesn't get cleaned up then who has to end up doing it?" She answered correctly that it would have to be me. So I told her that I was simply looking for some help. I didn't even have to finish the sentence. She knew where I was going and she was running down the stairs, out the door and began cleaning up. What a doll!
When I was trying to finish up some business at the school the kids had to try and sit patiently for me. This is a hard task for all three of them. It was like having three two year olds. But Molly was the only one that was wandering around where I finally could not see her anymore; learning that she went into the principle's office and took his glasses. (I was so extremely embarrassed!) Hindsight thought: I should have told Adam that I was concerned about Molly and didn't know how I was going to make sure she was safe while working. He totally would have come up with the right solution keeping both him and Molly in check. Why doesn't this come naturally to me!
Because I lack the confidence needed! But I'm working on it. And so as I ask the Lord to help me raise these kids He is teaching me how to love them for who they are. They are strong willed and will go as far as they can. And then try to go a little further. But that will translate into some pretty amazing adults. They will change their world someday. And I will help them change it for good- okay that's just plain scary! But when I've been taught by God how to help them, I cannot let anyone else tell me otherwise. He knows them better than anyone and He will tell me what I need to do. And if I don't stand up and do it then well, I'm just messing it all up. So sorry to Clarissa's teacher. I know I'm a real thorn in her side right now. But I have a bigger investment in how my kids learn and grow.
Okay, so I don't usually write this much. (It's my theory that if you can't finish reading the thought in about 5 minutes people are going to lose interest.) But it feels good to get that off my chest. And well, because I'm still concerned with how people look at me and this kind of lets me feel like you know the reason behind my madness. With the little confidence comes the feeling like everyone is judging me and thinking I'm horrible so I have to put it out there that maybe I'm not that horrible. It's all messed up I know. I'd say it helps to be married to a psychologist but it doesn't really. It just makes you more self conscious about your craziness. But that's whole new blog entry isn't it?
6 comments:
I am so sorry! I think you are amazing, does that help? Kim
Kids don't come with a book of instructions, I wish they did sometimes! And every kid, just like adults have different personalities, that is what makes us all unique! Hang in there-Noah was in time out I think his whole 4th year of life!
Teresa, don't beat yourself up and don't worry about what other people think. Plus when we start comparing ourselves to others we compare our worst to other peoples best, because they obviously don't let us see their worst - and that's just one fight you will never win. Love Ya.
Not self conscious, just aware! :) It's no wonder that families are such an integral part of this mortal experience...so many opportunities to grow! Glad you are gaining more confidence in yourself as a mom. I've had experiences lately that have had a similar effect for me and I am grateful for them.
I enjoyed your madmom rantings. I feel the same way on most occassions, so to hear that it happens to you too made me feel better. My kids have to be approached using different methods as well (I haven't figured them all out yet either).If it makes you feel any better, they do behave in primary!You're kids are wonderful :)
Thanks everyone! It's so nice to have such great friends around who understand it all.
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