A Mother's Prayer

To know me is to know that 1)I don't enjoy blogs without photos and 2) If it takes more than five minutes to read a post than I don't bother. So if you don't read through this I won't blame you, it's a book! However, I feel like putting this out there because it will be therapeutic for me. After a long, hard afternoon with Adam, my biggest worry and challenge, I read my scriptures and wrote in my journal. This is my entry:

The Lord definitely works in His way and in His time and for good reasons. Or maybe He works quite quickly and it's me whose slow. My bet is the problem is me.

This move has been quite difficult for me. I have not enjoyed my time with the kids at all. Molly and I do alright during the day but even she gets to be too much and I see a huge difference in her behavior as soon as Adam and Clarissa rejoin us.

There are behavorial patterns that I'll admit I have created and prepetuated. I'm not perfect. I've been lost and I've panicked and I'm very much ashamed. There are absolutely things I have said and done that do not represent the person I want to be. I have definitely been confused and lost, tossing through the waves of self help books. I've been hitting wall after frustrating wall desperately wanting to fix me and my parenting skills.

But here's the deal- my parenting skills are fine. They are actually quite good. All of those self help books paired with gospel principles and prayer have provided me with tools and techniques I need to raise a great bunch of children. I have all that I need, and understand very well, to raise a family to the Lord; a family who will cherish truth and goodness. These kids absolutely know the difference between right and wrong and will purposefully rebel. I don't suppose it is with malicious intent but with a now natural response to patterns. So, how do we break these patterns? How do I regain a sense of confidence in me to remember that I know what I'm doing?

Today I was so fed up with Adam that I just stopped talking to him. I completely ignored him. I hated being disconnected but it did change the way I tried to teach good bahavior. Not talking to him had me deal with his rudeness differently. The girls and I would simply walk away. It became more of teaching the girls how to handle these negative behaviors and less forcing Adam to be good. It became more of rewarding the girls for not letting his negativity effect their mood.

I've read a hundred times in D&C 121:41-44 just how I need to raise my children. (No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile-reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him who thou hast reproved, lest he esteeem thee to be his enemy; that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.) But I've kept thinking- you don't have my kids who go out of their way to do the wrong thing. Or I would justify my harsh words because I need to reprove them at times. Or I would complain because they refuse to understand that their bad choices led to consequences they aren't happy with. In fact, they went into their actions already knowing what the consequence would be. Why they would choose that course of action is beyond me.

Hopefully a good first step was our FHE discussion we had tonight. Proverbs 6:23 (For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life)- keeping the commandments, maintaining the law is what brings light to our path. Getting in trouble for not doing what is right is just a normal part of life.

I feel for the first time since I've become a mother that it is all coming toether. That clear moment of understanding, knowing what direction I want to go in, feeling that stumbling blocks have been removed from my path is finally here. Although I realize it will be a long journey.

There will be consequences for inappropriate behavior. Allowance will be less- fines paid for bad behavior. And isolation. Trust has been broken and will take a long time to recover. And they will learn the hard way. Not brushing teeth properly causes cavities. Not bathing properly will not bring a lot of new friends. We will leave you to yourself if you're rude. Not having your homework done and organized will bring a bad grade.

I don't believe now is the time to apologize for my past mistakes. It may just arm them with more maipulative tools. But a day will come when they will be trusted again, when they will love to do what is right and they will feel good about their place in their family. Then I can sit down and talk about mistakes and apologize for all that I've done to keep us from moving forward much sooner.

Until that day my broken heart is being offered to the Lord. I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to figure it all out and to hear what He has been trying to teach me. I'm so sorry for my wickedness and wrongdoing. I would have loved to have been that Mom that when my kids were all grown they would be able to say how much peace and love I had brought to their upbringing, never having raised my voice or spoken an unkind word. But that will never be the case. Instead I hope they can be proud to have a mother who could recognize her sins and show the way to repentance and let them know that there is no problem that can't be fixed with the Lord. And I hope that all our hurt will be healed.

4 Nephi 1:12-13
And they did not walk any more after the performances and ordinances of the law of Moses; but they did walk after the commandments which they had received from their Lord and their God, continuing in fasting and prayer, and in meeting together oft both to pray and to hear the word of the Lord; And it came to pass that there was no contention among all the people, in all the land; but there were mighty miracles wrought among the disciples of Jesus.